I'm not ok

I'm not ok.  I do a good job pretending though, in fact so good that sometimes I think to myself "Wow! I'm doing ok" but then I realize just how much I am not ok.  It's hard, life goes on around you but being the one that had the loss, it doesn't just go on.

I need to pretend to be ok...for me, for Mike, for Allison, for the rest of my family and friends.  I can't sit in bed and cry all day no matter how much that's all I feel like doing. Pretending isn't a bad thing, it's getting me from day to day.  Maybe one of these days I won't be pretending.

Pink and Purple Skies

Since I originally posted the picture of the sky on Allison's birthday and starting this blog I have gotten so many beautiful messages with pictures of the sky painted pink and purple.  I can't tell you how much it means to me that when people see the beauty they think of our sweet Hannah!

My brother-in-law Brandon sent this to my sister last week and it was shared with me.  It brought a smile to my face picturing it that I needed to share it.

"As I turned onto 55 this morning the entire sky was pink and purple especially around the horizons, It was probably 5 minutes before the exact sunrise time and it looked spectacular, I wish I could have gotten out to take a panoramic picture.  I couldn't help but think that Sweet Angel Hannah was showing your Aunt Cynthia, Aaron, Todd, and everyone else that is watching over the family right now on how to paint the sky, it looked like a tremendous group effort and it was comforting to know that she is not alone up there and that we will see many more painted skies now that she is getting everyone "trained" in."

Please continue sharing your stories with me, any pictures of the sky you capture.  I don't want my Hannah to ever be forgotten and knowing you see Hannah in those beautiful painted skies gives me a great amount of comfort knowing you're remembering my sweet angel.

I Miss You

I miss your sweet smile

I miss your cuddles

I miss your sweet blonde curls

I miss the way you would back up to sit in my lap

I miss the way your whole face lit up when you heard the garage door because you knew Daddy was home

I miss how you would climb up the stool in the bathroom and be oh so proud of yourself

I miss the way you sat on the steps and would kick your little legs

I miss your sweet little wave goodbye

I miss you standing by our legs wanting to be held all the time

I miss your slobbery kisses

I miss how you would reach to open the fridge and try and grab a yogurt

I miss your messy face after eating a nutella sandwich

I miss how you would kick your legs while sleeping and we could hear you all the way downstairs (I swear some nights I still hear it)

I miss your stink eye

I miss how you would snuggle your favorite little blanket and didn't want to go anywhere without it

I miss how your face would light up when I would get you out of your car seat while picking Allison up at school when I said "should we go find your sister?"

I miss how you would take everything out of the cabinets in the bathroom whenever I tried to get ready

I miss how you loved to climb in the dishwasher

I miss your squeals of joy

I miss the way you would run away from Colton and Gage like they had done something to you when they hadn't

I miss how much you loved Wiley, and how you would lay on him, he misses it too

I miss how much you loved your baths and how you would just stand by the bath waiting/wanting to get in, even lifting your leg up trying to get in yourself

I miss the way you signed more, clapping your who hands together

I miss everything about you

I MISS YOU!!!!!

Driving home tonight I was thinking about all the things I was missing about Hannah and through my tears I saw a shooting star, the first one I ever remember seeing!  My sweet Hannah is up in Heaven watching over us, telling me she misses us too!

Peace and Comfort

Heaven gained another angel as we said goodbye to my aunt Cynthia early this morning. My aunt Cynthia (my dad's older sister) fought a courageous fight with ALS this past year but she was ready to say goodbye. She was ready to be reunited with her son Aaron who she tragically lost several years ago in a diving accident.

My aunt was an amazing woman and having lost a child herself, she was giving me an amazing amount of love and support after we lost Hannah. Knowing her time here on earth was coming to an end she sent me an email last night and gave me the greatest gift I could have asked for.

"My dearest Holli,

When your pain is so great and your thoughts black, shut your eyes tight....here's what I want you to see and hear:

(Aaron and his Mama are reunited in great joy!,,). 

We immediately see your sweet Hannah. She has on a long, pink, silky dress and she radiates and glows with the most glorious pink and purple aura. I scoop her up in my arms. She's sooo happy to see us. She knows her Mommy sent us. I wrap her tight in the softest pink blanket and hold her close to my heart. I rock her back and forth.  Back and forth. I whisper in her ears that her Mommy, Daddy, Allison, her Gramma and Grampa...all her family... loves and misses her so much. I whisper that Aaron and Auntie Cee will be by her side, loving her, every single heaven minute. 

So, see, you don't have to worry...I'll love as my own...I promise with all my heart. I loved to sing to children so I will sing, finally again, all the stories about her life as a little earth girl. 

My great love,

Auntie C"

I went to bed last night with a bit of peace knowing that my aunt would be reunited with her son who she had missed so much and that she was going to see my sweet Hannah and give her our love. It was the middle of the night when I awoke from a "dream", it was the beautiful image my aunt had painted for me.  Cynthia and Aaron were together and then went and found my beautiful Hannah, scooped her up and gave her the biggest hug.  They told her how much we missed her and how much we loved her. With peace in my heart I fell back to sleep. 

This morning we spoke with my dad and found out that Cynthia had passed away.  I have to wonder if in my dreams I got a vision of what was happening up in Heaven. I am choosing to believe that I did! My aunt is in Heaven, pain free, happy, reunited with Aaron and they, along with all the other loved ones we have lost, are taking care of my sweet Hannah.  In that, I am finding peace and comfort. 

I love you Aunt Cynthia! Rest in Peace!

One of my favorite pictures of my dad's sisters, Christi, Cynthia, and Lisa.  

How do you survive losing a child?

This past month has been hell, worse than I'd even imagine hell to be quite honestly.  I lost my baby girl.  "How do you survive losing a child?" It's a question I had asked before all this and it's a question I've heard since.  And although I'm "surviving" right now, I still don't quite know how.

I thank God every day for Allison. In such an unbelievably dark time she is such a bright light. She gets me out of bed each morning. She puts smiles on my face each and every day. To know Allison is to love her. She, as my Grandma would say, is enchanting! She is my reason for even wanting to survive this.

Losing a child is something that unfortunately is all too familiar in my family.  My great grandma lost her daughter, my grandma has lost two sons, my aunt lost her son, my mom lost her first daughter Allison (who my Allison is named after) at birth.  One thing I've heard from them, along with some other women I've spoken to who have also lost children, is that I will find joy again, that I will be happy again.

Right now finding joy and being happy are things that don't even seem possible.  I have had some good days since Hannah died but then at the end of the day when I think about it and how good it felt, it turns to guilt. How could I have a good day?  I lost my child!

I'm clinging to the fact that I will find joy again, that I will be happy again.  I was told that first it will come in minutes, then hours, days, weeks, etc. but I will be happy again.  That's what I'm clinging to, and right now that is how I'm surviving losing a child.  

Happy Thanksgiving

As easy as it is this year to forget all that I'm thankful for I need to sit back and realize all that I do have to give thanks for.  I've done some of these on Facebook as well but they deserve to be addressed again!

I'm thankful for Hannah.  She was with us for far too short of a time but she gave me so much love in those short 14 months.  I was blessed during those 14 months to be able to stay home with the girls and spend as much time with Hannah as possible.  I'll cherish those 14 months forever.

I'm thankful for Mike.  He has been so unbelievably strong for me during all of this.  He has been my rock.  I feel like through this incredibly difficult time we've clung to each other and are even closer than before.

I'm thankful for my sweet Allison.  She is my bright light during this dark time.

I'm thankful for my mom and dad who gave Hannah a beautiful funeral so Mike and I didn't have to worry about it.  My sisters also did a huge part in the planning and made the day beautiful for my beautiful girl.

I'm thankful for my mom.  She has stayed with us and done so much for us these past couple weeks.  She has given me so much emotional support, I honestly don't know how I could do this without her.

I'm thankful for Mike's parents.  Although they don't live as close I know they would drop anything and everything to be there for us in a moments notice.  They are wonderful parents and wonderful grandparents!

I'm thankful for my sisters.  They are the reasons I wanted so badly for Allison to have a sister, I know what a blessing sisters are. They have given up so much time with their families to be here for me and mine.  They are my best friends and the best aunties in the whole world!

I'm thankful for my brother-in-laws, Brian and Brandon.  With my sisters being with me so much they have stayed home and taken care of their families so my sisters could take care of me and mine.

I'm thankful for my extended family.  I know how lucky I am to have the family I do.  So many of them have done so much for us and reached out to us.  I am blessed with all the wonderful family we have.

I'm thankful for a wonderful group of friends who I couldn't live without.  It's been hard for me to be around anyone but my family through this but I know my friends are waiting in the wings to be there with me.  I promise, I'll be ready at some point!

I'm thankful for Facebook and all the emotional support it has provided me.  So many people have reached out to me, people I haven't heard from in years, people I've never met.  The kindness of everyone towards me and my family has meant so much.

I'm thankful for a wonderful group of neighbors who kept us fed for the first couple weeks.  They also started a fund so this spring we can plant a tree in memory of Hannah. I hope to get to know them all better, they seem to be an amazing group of people.

I'm thankful for everyone who has donated funds to Hannah's memorial.  With the funds Mike and I are planning on purchasing a memorial bench in Hannah's name to be put in our neighborhood park.  

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving with their family and friends.  Please take some time to give thanks to all the wonderful people and things in your life. 

Not What I Want to Remember

When I think of my sweet baby girl I want to remember her smile, her curls, the way she loved me and Mike so deeply.  I want to remember the little dance she did when we said "Hannah twirl".  I have so many things that I wish automatically came to my mind when I think of her but those aren't what I think of late at night or early mornings while I lay in bed.  All I can think of, no matter how hard I try to avoid it, is that morning, the morning we found her and she was already gone.

Mike and I woke up a little before 8:00 that morning and the first thing I said to him was "did you get up with her at all"?  Hannah slept through the night but 8:00 was late for her to be sleeping in until.   When I put her to bed the night before she had what I thought was a cold and was working on a tooth so I didn't think too much of her sleeping in, I just thought she was sleeping it off.  Never the less I got up and went in to her room to check in on her.  I opened the door and although that would usually cause her to stir, she laid there still.  I walked up to her crib and put my hand on her back and screamed.  It was then I knew she wasn't breathing.

I yelled for Mike and his scream I can still hear, a sound so full of both pain and anger.   Immediately Mike took our sweet girl and started CPR on her.  I called 911 and begged for them to come and save our baby, I didn't realize it but it was too late.

The ambulance arrived and I rode with Hannah to the hospital while Mike waited for my friend to come and stay with Allison (who thank God slept through the screams of her mom and dad and didn't witness any of this).  In the ambulance I think I knew, it finally had hit me that my sweet angel was going to heaven.

We got to the hospital and they did all they could to restart my baby's heart but it was too late.  There wasn't anything they could do, anything anyone could do, she was gone.  

The next couple hours we held Hannah in our arms while in denial of what had just happened and what was happening.  We took some hand and footprints, cut some of her beautiful curls, held her still hands, kissed her quiet face.  

In time I hope all my happy Hannah memories are what come to my mind first and not that morning I wish I could forget.

Answers don't make it better, not sure why I thought they would.

When Hannah passed away we had no idea what had happened. How a 14 month old could pass away in their sleep?  The only thing we could think of was it had to be SUDS (sudden unexplained death syndrome), much like SIDS but SUDS they use for babies over 1 year of age.  The thought of SUDS scared me to death.  How could I (or anyone close to this situation) in the future ever put a baby to bed knowing that some how, with no explanation, their baby could die?  I thought hearing there was no reason was the worst thing I could hear, I was wrong.

The medical examiner told us nothing came back on the initial report as a red flag that they could pin Hannah's death on.  They told us they would be doing further testing but that testing could take up to three weeks. After two weeks I had to call, not knowing was so hard and I needed to know, I wish I didn't. I spoke with the medical examiner and he told me the reason she passed away was pneumonia. Pneumonia had killed my baby girl.  I was sick, sick to my stomach that I had missed something, something that could have saved my little angel.  I failed her, I failed her as a mother and now she is gone.  Her death isn't "unexplained", I had my answer only it didn't make me feel better.  I now couldn't help but blame myself.

The day before Hannah died she started to get what I thought was a cold, a cold related to a tooth she had been working on for the last week +.  Whenever Allison got a new tooth she always got a cold and a red bottom.  Hannah was showing those same symptoms so I blamed the tooth (her very first, yes at 14 months she was just getting her first tooth).  She was sleepy the day before and that night she got a slight fever, just over 100 degrees.  I gave her some Tylenol and put her to bed.  To be honest, it never even crossed my mind to bring her in.

Hannah had gotten really sick several weeks prior, I called the doctors office several times in which they told me all was fine, but it wasn't.  She wasn't getting better so I finally brought her in.  They did several tests (including an x-ray) but all came back normal and we were sent home.  Two days after I had brought her in I got a voicemail telling me that a prescription had been called in to our local pharmacy, but I had no idea what for.  I tried calling back right away but of course they had called me at the end of the day so I couldn't reach anyone.  I decided to go get her the meds anyway since she still hadn't been getting better.  I finally touched base with the doctor the next morning and found out Hannah had pneumonia.  The doctor had missed it on the initial x-ray but they are always sent over to radiology for a second review and in doing that, they found it.  After finally getting an answer and starting Hannah on medication she was finally better!

I'm not sure why I had to write the above paragraph, well no, that's not true.  After getting the answer as to what happened I went to a really scary place, a place that I honestly could not live in.  I HAVE to believe that I did what I thought I should have given what I knew at the time.  Hannah was not nearly as sick (or at least she didn't appear to be) as she had been when she had was diagnosed with the pneumonia weeks prior.  What if I called the doctor?  I'm told they would have told me to do what I did and nothing more.  What if I had brought her in?  Given her symptoms they may not have even given her an x-ray, she had no symptoms to warrant one.  What if they had given her an x-ray?  They missed the pneumonia when they had given her one weeks before, would they have missed it again?What if's, it's a scary game to play.

There are some further questions out there that are still needing to being answered for some.  If the pneumonia was bad enough to have killed Hannah, why didn't they find it in the initial findings?  From what we've been told, it should have.  They are testing some tissue further to see if they can find some sort of other infections going on that we are told can come on quick and can be very dangerous. Those tests can take several more weeks for the results.

At this point I don't think I want to hear anything more.  Before knowing anything I thought answers were going to make this better, I was wrong.  There are no answers that can bring Hannah back.

November 20th

Today is November 20th, Hannah would have been 15 months old today.  Would have been.  Would have been if she were still here with us.  She's not.  She's not here and I'm pissed.  I hate this, I hate it!
 
3 weeks ago our beautiful baby girl went to heaven. Hannah was our baby girl, our dream come true. We miss her so much.  We want her back.  We want to hold her, to kiss her, to see her, anything!  I know none of that is possible but that doesn't stop me from wanting it and some days thinking this is all just a terrible nightmare.  I try to force myself to wake up to find my beautiful Hannah back home with us.  Every morning I wake up and find that it isn't just a nightmare, this is now my life.  My life is now a nightmare.

I'm not sure if blogging/writing is going to help but today it felt like something I needed to do.  I picked the name of the blog "Pink and Purple Painted Sky" because on Allison's birthday (exactly 1 week after Hannah went to heaven) there was a beautiful sunrise where the sky looked like it was painted pink and purple, Allison's favorite colors.  I think Hannah painted the sky pink and purple for her big sister on her special day.  There have been a couple other times since that the sky was painted pink and purple and it always makes me think of my sweet baby girl and feel closer to her, like she was sending us a message.

I sit here this morning missing Hannah more than ever and wondering what she would be doing as a 15 month old. She was changing every day and was starting to develop her own personality.  Now she is gone and I am left here imagining what could have been and realizing it will never be.

Hannah Aynne Rathlisberger