November 20th

Today is November 20th, Hannah would have been 15 months old today.  Would have been.  Would have been if she were still here with us.  She's not.  She's not here and I'm pissed.  I hate this, I hate it!
 
3 weeks ago our beautiful baby girl went to heaven. Hannah was our baby girl, our dream come true. We miss her so much.  We want her back.  We want to hold her, to kiss her, to see her, anything!  I know none of that is possible but that doesn't stop me from wanting it and some days thinking this is all just a terrible nightmare.  I try to force myself to wake up to find my beautiful Hannah back home with us.  Every morning I wake up and find that it isn't just a nightmare, this is now my life.  My life is now a nightmare.

I'm not sure if blogging/writing is going to help but today it felt like something I needed to do.  I picked the name of the blog "Pink and Purple Painted Sky" because on Allison's birthday (exactly 1 week after Hannah went to heaven) there was a beautiful sunrise where the sky looked like it was painted pink and purple, Allison's favorite colors.  I think Hannah painted the sky pink and purple for her big sister on her special day.  There have been a couple other times since that the sky was painted pink and purple and it always makes me think of my sweet baby girl and feel closer to her, like she was sending us a message.

I sit here this morning missing Hannah more than ever and wondering what she would be doing as a 15 month old. She was changing every day and was starting to develop her own personality.  Now she is gone and I am left here imagining what could have been and realizing it will never be.