When Hannah passed away we had no idea what had happened. How a 14 month old could pass away in their sleep? The only thing we could think of was it had to be SUDS (sudden unexplained death syndrome), much like SIDS but SUDS they use for babies over 1 year of age. The thought of SUDS scared me to death. How could I (or anyone close to this situation) in the future ever put a baby to bed knowing that some how, with no explanation, their baby could die? I thought hearing there was no reason was the worst thing I could hear, I was wrong.
The medical examiner told us nothing came back on the initial report as a red flag that they could pin Hannah's death on. They told us they would be doing further testing but that testing could take up to three weeks. After two weeks I had to call, not knowing was so hard and I needed to know, I wish I didn't. I spoke with the medical examiner and he told me the reason she passed away was pneumonia. Pneumonia had killed my baby girl. I was sick, sick to my stomach that I had missed something, something that could have saved my little angel. I failed her, I failed her as a mother and now she is gone. Her death isn't "unexplained", I had my answer only it didn't make me feel better. I now couldn't help but blame myself.
The day before Hannah died she started to get what I thought was a cold, a cold related to a tooth she had been working on for the last week +. Whenever Allison got a new tooth she always got a cold and a red bottom. Hannah was showing those same symptoms so I blamed the tooth (her very first, yes at 14 months she was just getting her first tooth). She was sleepy the day before and that night she got a slight fever, just over 100 degrees. I gave her some Tylenol and put her to bed. To be honest, it never even crossed my mind to bring her in.
Hannah had gotten really sick several weeks prior, I called the doctors office several times in which they told me all was fine, but it wasn't. She wasn't getting better so I finally brought her in. They did several tests (including an x-ray) but all came back normal and we were sent home. Two days after I had brought her in I got a voicemail telling me that a prescription had been called in to our local pharmacy, but I had no idea what for. I tried calling back right away but of course they had called me at the end of the day so I couldn't reach anyone. I decided to go get her the meds anyway since she still hadn't been getting better. I finally touched base with the doctor the next morning and found out Hannah had pneumonia. The doctor had missed it on the initial x-ray but they are always sent over to radiology for a second review and in doing that, they found it. After finally getting an answer and starting Hannah on medication she was finally better!
I'm not sure why I had to write the above paragraph, well no, that's not true. After getting the answer as to what happened I went to a really scary place, a place that I honestly could not live in. I HAVE to believe that I did what I thought I should have given what I knew at the time. Hannah was not nearly as sick (or at least she didn't appear to be) as she had been when she had was diagnosed with the pneumonia weeks prior. What if I called the doctor? I'm told they would have told me to do what I did and nothing more. What if I had brought her in? Given her symptoms they may not have even given her an x-ray, she had no symptoms to warrant one. What if they had given her an x-ray? They missed the pneumonia when they had given her one weeks before, would they have missed it again?What if's, it's a scary game to play.
There are some further questions out there that are still needing to being answered for some. If the pneumonia was bad enough to have killed Hannah, why didn't they find it in the initial findings? From what we've been told, it should have. They are testing some tissue further to see if they can find some sort of other infections going on that we are told can come on quick and can be very dangerous. Those tests can take several more weeks for the results.
At this point I don't think I want to hear anything more. Before knowing anything I thought answers were going to make this better, I was wrong. There are no answers that can bring Hannah back.
Oh, Holli. I am so sorry. There is no rhyme or reason for this. You did what you thought was right and good and you were the best Mom you could be. You are right that they likely would have blown you off as an anxious mom and not done the requested tests, but maybe that would have been better, making THEM at fault for this tragedy. Please try not to beat yourself up for this. There really is no fault to be placed anywhere.
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