I'm not ok

I'm not ok.  I do a good job pretending though, in fact so good that sometimes I think to myself "Wow! I'm doing ok" but then I realize just how much I am not ok.  It's hard, life goes on around you but being the one that had the loss, it doesn't just go on.

I need to pretend to be ok...for me, for Mike, for Allison, for the rest of my family and friends.  I can't sit in bed and cry all day no matter how much that's all I feel like doing. Pretending isn't a bad thing, it's getting me from day to day.  Maybe one of these days I won't be pretending.

Pink and Purple Skies

Since I originally posted the picture of the sky on Allison's birthday and starting this blog I have gotten so many beautiful messages with pictures of the sky painted pink and purple.  I can't tell you how much it means to me that when people see the beauty they think of our sweet Hannah!

My brother-in-law Brandon sent this to my sister last week and it was shared with me.  It brought a smile to my face picturing it that I needed to share it.

"As I turned onto 55 this morning the entire sky was pink and purple especially around the horizons, It was probably 5 minutes before the exact sunrise time and it looked spectacular, I wish I could have gotten out to take a panoramic picture.  I couldn't help but think that Sweet Angel Hannah was showing your Aunt Cynthia, Aaron, Todd, and everyone else that is watching over the family right now on how to paint the sky, it looked like a tremendous group effort and it was comforting to know that she is not alone up there and that we will see many more painted skies now that she is getting everyone "trained" in."

Please continue sharing your stories with me, any pictures of the sky you capture.  I don't want my Hannah to ever be forgotten and knowing you see Hannah in those beautiful painted skies gives me a great amount of comfort knowing you're remembering my sweet angel.

I Miss You

I miss your sweet smile

I miss your cuddles

I miss your sweet blonde curls

I miss the way you would back up to sit in my lap

I miss the way your whole face lit up when you heard the garage door because you knew Daddy was home

I miss how you would climb up the stool in the bathroom and be oh so proud of yourself

I miss the way you sat on the steps and would kick your little legs

I miss your sweet little wave goodbye

I miss you standing by our legs wanting to be held all the time

I miss your slobbery kisses

I miss how you would reach to open the fridge and try and grab a yogurt

I miss your messy face after eating a nutella sandwich

I miss how you would kick your legs while sleeping and we could hear you all the way downstairs (I swear some nights I still hear it)

I miss your stink eye

I miss how you would snuggle your favorite little blanket and didn't want to go anywhere without it

I miss how your face would light up when I would get you out of your car seat while picking Allison up at school when I said "should we go find your sister?"

I miss how you would take everything out of the cabinets in the bathroom whenever I tried to get ready

I miss how you loved to climb in the dishwasher

I miss your squeals of joy

I miss the way you would run away from Colton and Gage like they had done something to you when they hadn't

I miss how much you loved Wiley, and how you would lay on him, he misses it too

I miss how much you loved your baths and how you would just stand by the bath waiting/wanting to get in, even lifting your leg up trying to get in yourself

I miss the way you signed more, clapping your who hands together

I miss everything about you

I MISS YOU!!!!!

Driving home tonight I was thinking about all the things I was missing about Hannah and through my tears I saw a shooting star, the first one I ever remember seeing!  My sweet Hannah is up in Heaven watching over us, telling me she misses us too!

Peace and Comfort

Heaven gained another angel as we said goodbye to my aunt Cynthia early this morning. My aunt Cynthia (my dad's older sister) fought a courageous fight with ALS this past year but she was ready to say goodbye. She was ready to be reunited with her son Aaron who she tragically lost several years ago in a diving accident.

My aunt was an amazing woman and having lost a child herself, she was giving me an amazing amount of love and support after we lost Hannah. Knowing her time here on earth was coming to an end she sent me an email last night and gave me the greatest gift I could have asked for.

"My dearest Holli,

When your pain is so great and your thoughts black, shut your eyes tight....here's what I want you to see and hear:

(Aaron and his Mama are reunited in great joy!,,). 

We immediately see your sweet Hannah. She has on a long, pink, silky dress and she radiates and glows with the most glorious pink and purple aura. I scoop her up in my arms. She's sooo happy to see us. She knows her Mommy sent us. I wrap her tight in the softest pink blanket and hold her close to my heart. I rock her back and forth.  Back and forth. I whisper in her ears that her Mommy, Daddy, Allison, her Gramma and Grampa...all her family... loves and misses her so much. I whisper that Aaron and Auntie Cee will be by her side, loving her, every single heaven minute. 

So, see, you don't have to worry...I'll love as my own...I promise with all my heart. I loved to sing to children so I will sing, finally again, all the stories about her life as a little earth girl. 

My great love,

Auntie C"

I went to bed last night with a bit of peace knowing that my aunt would be reunited with her son who she had missed so much and that she was going to see my sweet Hannah and give her our love. It was the middle of the night when I awoke from a "dream", it was the beautiful image my aunt had painted for me.  Cynthia and Aaron were together and then went and found my beautiful Hannah, scooped her up and gave her the biggest hug.  They told her how much we missed her and how much we loved her. With peace in my heart I fell back to sleep. 

This morning we spoke with my dad and found out that Cynthia had passed away.  I have to wonder if in my dreams I got a vision of what was happening up in Heaven. I am choosing to believe that I did! My aunt is in Heaven, pain free, happy, reunited with Aaron and they, along with all the other loved ones we have lost, are taking care of my sweet Hannah.  In that, I am finding peace and comfort. 

I love you Aunt Cynthia! Rest in Peace!

One of my favorite pictures of my dad's sisters, Christi, Cynthia, and Lisa.