I Can Say Her Name

Since returning from Faith's Lodge I've had a hard time putting into words what our time there meant to us.  Spending the weekend with other parents who have lost their children was an amazing experience.  As sad as we all were that we were there, we were all so fortunate to spend the time together.

In talking with the other parents and sharing our stories, our memories, our fears, one thing stood out to me more than anything else.  We all want to talk about the child we lost, we want other people to talk about the children we lost.  We won't ever forget them but we want to make sure other people won't either.

I realize it may not be easy for people to bring Hannah up to me but I can't express how much it means to me when they do.  I know they don't want to make me sad, but believe me, they aren't making me sad, they're bringing me joy.

I was able to talk about Hannah so much at Faith's Lodge, everyone there understood what it meant to be able to talk about their children and so people asked questions.  In talking about her so much I realized that I can now talk about her without breaking in to tears.  I can talk about Hannah, remember her, share her stories, without always crying....that is HUGE!  What a gift Faith's Lodge has given me in that.  I honestly didn't know if I would ever get to this point and here I am, only 6 months from losing her and I can already do that.

There are still tears, plenty of tears, but there are also smiles.  I think Hannah would rather see the smiles!

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

The afternoon we got home from the hospital without Hannah I went in to her room and wept, it was where I had laid her down to sleep the night before, it was the place she died.  I don't remember much of that afternoon but I remember my family taking me out of her room and we shut the door behind us.

The door to Hannah's room has been shut ever since.  I've been in there a couple of times, but it's never easy.  It isn't something we made a decision to do, the door is shut, we just don't go in. To be honest, we don't even talk about it.  I've been really surprised with Allison's reaction to it, or should I say, her lack of reaction to it.  She has never said anything to me about it, she has never asked me why, or if she could go in, she has never mentioned it.....until today.

I was in the kitchen cleaning and Allison came down and asked if she could go in to Hanner's room.  I wasn't sure how to react at first. I didn't want her to feel bad for asking, and I didn't want to deny her the right to go in if she felt like she wanted to.  We went upstairs together and we went in.

Walking in her room took my breath away.  I had such a mixed bag of emotions from all of the great memories to then of course the awful.  I do feel close to her in there though, it's just so hard.  All of the pictures that we had displayed at Hannah's funeral are in her room so Allison and I sat down and we laughed and cried as we went through each picture and remembered.

After awhile Allison left to go do something else and I climbed in Hanner's crib.  Not a second later I heard "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" playing on Pandora down in the kitchen, a song we played at the funeral. I just know that it was another of the many signs Hannah sent me.

I know my baby girl is in the most amazing place, she sends me signs all the time telling me!

"You're not sad..."

Allison and I were eating dinner last night when she enthusiastically said to me "You're not sad Hannah went to Heaven anymore Mom"!  I was stunned in to silence and I had no idea how to respond, how to even feel.  Of course I was still sad, losing Hannah changed me, left my heart broken. Hannah took a huge piece of me with her.  I won't ever not be sad.  None of that I wanted to say to Allison!

A month or so ago Allison and I were watching TV when a commercial came on about how you can do things for others to changes their lives.  After the commercial was over Allison turned to me and said, "Mom, I am going to change your life, I am going to make you happy again".   Here I thought I was doing a good job pretending for her that I was okay, but she knew better.  My sweet little 4 year old knew how much I was hurting and she wanted to make me better.

As I sat there last night part of me was relieved that Allison thought I wasn't sad any more, maybe then she wouldn't think it was her responsibility to make me happy again.

I think Allison can see that I am doing okay, some days I am even surprised with how okay I am.  I am doing things for me again which feels good.  I started working out a little, I am planning on doing some work again from home.  I'm trying to find my new normal!

Then there are days like today when I can't hold back the tears. I wish we could magically skip over the 20th and 30th of each month.  Hannah's birthday is August 20th and every month on the 20th meant she was a month older.  Now each month on the 20th I dream of what should have been but will never be. The 30th, Hannah died on Oct 30th and now every month on the 30th means it's another month she's been gone, another month since we've held her sweet smiling face.

I'm always going to be sad Hannah is in Heaven and not here with us, always and forever.  I am happy that Allison is starting to see me be okay again though.  I know none of this has been easy on her and she needs her mommy to be there for her too.