"You're not sad..."

Allison and I were eating dinner last night when she enthusiastically said to me "You're not sad Hannah went to Heaven anymore Mom"!  I was stunned in to silence and I had no idea how to respond, how to even feel.  Of course I was still sad, losing Hannah changed me, left my heart broken. Hannah took a huge piece of me with her.  I won't ever not be sad.  None of that I wanted to say to Allison!

A month or so ago Allison and I were watching TV when a commercial came on about how you can do things for others to changes their lives.  After the commercial was over Allison turned to me and said, "Mom, I am going to change your life, I am going to make you happy again".   Here I thought I was doing a good job pretending for her that I was okay, but she knew better.  My sweet little 4 year old knew how much I was hurting and she wanted to make me better.

As I sat there last night part of me was relieved that Allison thought I wasn't sad any more, maybe then she wouldn't think it was her responsibility to make me happy again.

I think Allison can see that I am doing okay, some days I am even surprised with how okay I am.  I am doing things for me again which feels good.  I started working out a little, I am planning on doing some work again from home.  I'm trying to find my new normal!

Then there are days like today when I can't hold back the tears. I wish we could magically skip over the 20th and 30th of each month.  Hannah's birthday is August 20th and every month on the 20th meant she was a month older.  Now each month on the 20th I dream of what should have been but will never be. The 30th, Hannah died on Oct 30th and now every month on the 30th means it's another month she's been gone, another month since we've held her sweet smiling face.

I'm always going to be sad Hannah is in Heaven and not here with us, always and forever.  I am happy that Allison is starting to see me be okay again though.  I know none of this has been easy on her and she needs her mommy to be there for her too.