How do you survive losing a child?

This past month has been hell, worse than I'd even imagine hell to be quite honestly.  I lost my baby girl.  "How do you survive losing a child?" It's a question I had asked before all this and it's a question I've heard since.  And although I'm "surviving" right now, I still don't quite know how.

I thank God every day for Allison. In such an unbelievably dark time she is such a bright light. She gets me out of bed each morning. She puts smiles on my face each and every day. To know Allison is to love her. She, as my Grandma would say, is enchanting! She is my reason for even wanting to survive this.

Losing a child is something that unfortunately is all too familiar in my family.  My great grandma lost her daughter, my grandma has lost two sons, my aunt lost her son, my mom lost her first daughter Allison (who my Allison is named after) at birth.  One thing I've heard from them, along with some other women I've spoken to who have also lost children, is that I will find joy again, that I will be happy again.

Right now finding joy and being happy are things that don't even seem possible.  I have had some good days since Hannah died but then at the end of the day when I think about it and how good it felt, it turns to guilt. How could I have a good day?  I lost my child!

I'm clinging to the fact that I will find joy again, that I will be happy again.  I was told that first it will come in minutes, then hours, days, weeks, etc. but I will be happy again.  That's what I'm clinging to, and right now that is how I'm surviving losing a child.  

Happy Thanksgiving

As easy as it is this year to forget all that I'm thankful for I need to sit back and realize all that I do have to give thanks for.  I've done some of these on Facebook as well but they deserve to be addressed again!

I'm thankful for Hannah.  She was with us for far too short of a time but she gave me so much love in those short 14 months.  I was blessed during those 14 months to be able to stay home with the girls and spend as much time with Hannah as possible.  I'll cherish those 14 months forever.

I'm thankful for Mike.  He has been so unbelievably strong for me during all of this.  He has been my rock.  I feel like through this incredibly difficult time we've clung to each other and are even closer than before.

I'm thankful for my sweet Allison.  She is my bright light during this dark time.

I'm thankful for my mom and dad who gave Hannah a beautiful funeral so Mike and I didn't have to worry about it.  My sisters also did a huge part in the planning and made the day beautiful for my beautiful girl.

I'm thankful for my mom.  She has stayed with us and done so much for us these past couple weeks.  She has given me so much emotional support, I honestly don't know how I could do this without her.

I'm thankful for Mike's parents.  Although they don't live as close I know they would drop anything and everything to be there for us in a moments notice.  They are wonderful parents and wonderful grandparents!

I'm thankful for my sisters.  They are the reasons I wanted so badly for Allison to have a sister, I know what a blessing sisters are. They have given up so much time with their families to be here for me and mine.  They are my best friends and the best aunties in the whole world!

I'm thankful for my brother-in-laws, Brian and Brandon.  With my sisters being with me so much they have stayed home and taken care of their families so my sisters could take care of me and mine.

I'm thankful for my extended family.  I know how lucky I am to have the family I do.  So many of them have done so much for us and reached out to us.  I am blessed with all the wonderful family we have.

I'm thankful for a wonderful group of friends who I couldn't live without.  It's been hard for me to be around anyone but my family through this but I know my friends are waiting in the wings to be there with me.  I promise, I'll be ready at some point!

I'm thankful for Facebook and all the emotional support it has provided me.  So many people have reached out to me, people I haven't heard from in years, people I've never met.  The kindness of everyone towards me and my family has meant so much.

I'm thankful for a wonderful group of neighbors who kept us fed for the first couple weeks.  They also started a fund so this spring we can plant a tree in memory of Hannah. I hope to get to know them all better, they seem to be an amazing group of people.

I'm thankful for everyone who has donated funds to Hannah's memorial.  With the funds Mike and I are planning on purchasing a memorial bench in Hannah's name to be put in our neighborhood park.  

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving with their family and friends.  Please take some time to give thanks to all the wonderful people and things in your life. 

Not What I Want to Remember

When I think of my sweet baby girl I want to remember her smile, her curls, the way she loved me and Mike so deeply.  I want to remember the little dance she did when we said "Hannah twirl".  I have so many things that I wish automatically came to my mind when I think of her but those aren't what I think of late at night or early mornings while I lay in bed.  All I can think of, no matter how hard I try to avoid it, is that morning, the morning we found her and she was already gone.

Mike and I woke up a little before 8:00 that morning and the first thing I said to him was "did you get up with her at all"?  Hannah slept through the night but 8:00 was late for her to be sleeping in until.   When I put her to bed the night before she had what I thought was a cold and was working on a tooth so I didn't think too much of her sleeping in, I just thought she was sleeping it off.  Never the less I got up and went in to her room to check in on her.  I opened the door and although that would usually cause her to stir, she laid there still.  I walked up to her crib and put my hand on her back and screamed.  It was then I knew she wasn't breathing.

I yelled for Mike and his scream I can still hear, a sound so full of both pain and anger.   Immediately Mike took our sweet girl and started CPR on her.  I called 911 and begged for them to come and save our baby, I didn't realize it but it was too late.

The ambulance arrived and I rode with Hannah to the hospital while Mike waited for my friend to come and stay with Allison (who thank God slept through the screams of her mom and dad and didn't witness any of this).  In the ambulance I think I knew, it finally had hit me that my sweet angel was going to heaven.

We got to the hospital and they did all they could to restart my baby's heart but it was too late.  There wasn't anything they could do, anything anyone could do, she was gone.  

The next couple hours we held Hannah in our arms while in denial of what had just happened and what was happening.  We took some hand and footprints, cut some of her beautiful curls, held her still hands, kissed her quiet face.  

In time I hope all my happy Hannah memories are what come to my mind first and not that morning I wish I could forget.

Answers don't make it better, not sure why I thought they would.

When Hannah passed away we had no idea what had happened. How a 14 month old could pass away in their sleep?  The only thing we could think of was it had to be SUDS (sudden unexplained death syndrome), much like SIDS but SUDS they use for babies over 1 year of age.  The thought of SUDS scared me to death.  How could I (or anyone close to this situation) in the future ever put a baby to bed knowing that some how, with no explanation, their baby could die?  I thought hearing there was no reason was the worst thing I could hear, I was wrong.

The medical examiner told us nothing came back on the initial report as a red flag that they could pin Hannah's death on.  They told us they would be doing further testing but that testing could take up to three weeks. After two weeks I had to call, not knowing was so hard and I needed to know, I wish I didn't. I spoke with the medical examiner and he told me the reason she passed away was pneumonia. Pneumonia had killed my baby girl.  I was sick, sick to my stomach that I had missed something, something that could have saved my little angel.  I failed her, I failed her as a mother and now she is gone.  Her death isn't "unexplained", I had my answer only it didn't make me feel better.  I now couldn't help but blame myself.

The day before Hannah died she started to get what I thought was a cold, a cold related to a tooth she had been working on for the last week +.  Whenever Allison got a new tooth she always got a cold and a red bottom.  Hannah was showing those same symptoms so I blamed the tooth (her very first, yes at 14 months she was just getting her first tooth).  She was sleepy the day before and that night she got a slight fever, just over 100 degrees.  I gave her some Tylenol and put her to bed.  To be honest, it never even crossed my mind to bring her in.

Hannah had gotten really sick several weeks prior, I called the doctors office several times in which they told me all was fine, but it wasn't.  She wasn't getting better so I finally brought her in.  They did several tests (including an x-ray) but all came back normal and we were sent home.  Two days after I had brought her in I got a voicemail telling me that a prescription had been called in to our local pharmacy, but I had no idea what for.  I tried calling back right away but of course they had called me at the end of the day so I couldn't reach anyone.  I decided to go get her the meds anyway since she still hadn't been getting better.  I finally touched base with the doctor the next morning and found out Hannah had pneumonia.  The doctor had missed it on the initial x-ray but they are always sent over to radiology for a second review and in doing that, they found it.  After finally getting an answer and starting Hannah on medication she was finally better!

I'm not sure why I had to write the above paragraph, well no, that's not true.  After getting the answer as to what happened I went to a really scary place, a place that I honestly could not live in.  I HAVE to believe that I did what I thought I should have given what I knew at the time.  Hannah was not nearly as sick (or at least she didn't appear to be) as she had been when she had was diagnosed with the pneumonia weeks prior.  What if I called the doctor?  I'm told they would have told me to do what I did and nothing more.  What if I had brought her in?  Given her symptoms they may not have even given her an x-ray, she had no symptoms to warrant one.  What if they had given her an x-ray?  They missed the pneumonia when they had given her one weeks before, would they have missed it again?What if's, it's a scary game to play.

There are some further questions out there that are still needing to being answered for some.  If the pneumonia was bad enough to have killed Hannah, why didn't they find it in the initial findings?  From what we've been told, it should have.  They are testing some tissue further to see if they can find some sort of other infections going on that we are told can come on quick and can be very dangerous. Those tests can take several more weeks for the results.

At this point I don't think I want to hear anything more.  Before knowing anything I thought answers were going to make this better, I was wrong.  There are no answers that can bring Hannah back.

November 20th

Today is November 20th, Hannah would have been 15 months old today.  Would have been.  Would have been if she were still here with us.  She's not.  She's not here and I'm pissed.  I hate this, I hate it!
 
3 weeks ago our beautiful baby girl went to heaven. Hannah was our baby girl, our dream come true. We miss her so much.  We want her back.  We want to hold her, to kiss her, to see her, anything!  I know none of that is possible but that doesn't stop me from wanting it and some days thinking this is all just a terrible nightmare.  I try to force myself to wake up to find my beautiful Hannah back home with us.  Every morning I wake up and find that it isn't just a nightmare, this is now my life.  My life is now a nightmare.

I'm not sure if blogging/writing is going to help but today it felt like something I needed to do.  I picked the name of the blog "Pink and Purple Painted Sky" because on Allison's birthday (exactly 1 week after Hannah went to heaven) there was a beautiful sunrise where the sky looked like it was painted pink and purple, Allison's favorite colors.  I think Hannah painted the sky pink and purple for her big sister on her special day.  There have been a couple other times since that the sky was painted pink and purple and it always makes me think of my sweet baby girl and feel closer to her, like she was sending us a message.

I sit here this morning missing Hannah more than ever and wondering what she would be doing as a 15 month old. She was changing every day and was starting to develop her own personality.  Now she is gone and I am left here imagining what could have been and realizing it will never be.

Hannah Aynne Rathlisberger