How do you survive losing a child?

This past month has been hell, worse than I'd even imagine hell to be quite honestly.  I lost my baby girl.  "How do you survive losing a child?" It's a question I had asked before all this and it's a question I've heard since.  And although I'm "surviving" right now, I still don't quite know how.

I thank God every day for Allison. In such an unbelievably dark time she is such a bright light. She gets me out of bed each morning. She puts smiles on my face each and every day. To know Allison is to love her. She, as my Grandma would say, is enchanting! She is my reason for even wanting to survive this.

Losing a child is something that unfortunately is all too familiar in my family.  My great grandma lost her daughter, my grandma has lost two sons, my aunt lost her son, my mom lost her first daughter Allison (who my Allison is named after) at birth.  One thing I've heard from them, along with some other women I've spoken to who have also lost children, is that I will find joy again, that I will be happy again.

Right now finding joy and being happy are things that don't even seem possible.  I have had some good days since Hannah died but then at the end of the day when I think about it and how good it felt, it turns to guilt. How could I have a good day?  I lost my child!

I'm clinging to the fact that I will find joy again, that I will be happy again.  I was told that first it will come in minutes, then hours, days, weeks, etc. but I will be happy again.  That's what I'm clinging to, and right now that is how I'm surviving losing a child.