"You're not sad..."

Allison and I were eating dinner last night when she enthusiastically said to me "You're not sad Hannah went to Heaven anymore Mom"!  I was stunned in to silence and I had no idea how to respond, how to even feel.  Of course I was still sad, losing Hannah changed me, left my heart broken. Hannah took a huge piece of me with her.  I won't ever not be sad.  None of that I wanted to say to Allison!

A month or so ago Allison and I were watching TV when a commercial came on about how you can do things for others to changes their lives.  After the commercial was over Allison turned to me and said, "Mom, I am going to change your life, I am going to make you happy again".   Here I thought I was doing a good job pretending for her that I was okay, but she knew better.  My sweet little 4 year old knew how much I was hurting and she wanted to make me better.

As I sat there last night part of me was relieved that Allison thought I wasn't sad any more, maybe then she wouldn't think it was her responsibility to make me happy again.

I think Allison can see that I am doing okay, some days I am even surprised with how okay I am.  I am doing things for me again which feels good.  I started working out a little, I am planning on doing some work again from home.  I'm trying to find my new normal!

Then there are days like today when I can't hold back the tears. I wish we could magically skip over the 20th and 30th of each month.  Hannah's birthday is August 20th and every month on the 20th meant she was a month older.  Now each month on the 20th I dream of what should have been but will never be. The 30th, Hannah died on Oct 30th and now every month on the 30th means it's another month she's been gone, another month since we've held her sweet smiling face.

I'm always going to be sad Hannah is in Heaven and not here with us, always and forever.  I am happy that Allison is starting to see me be okay again though.  I know none of this has been easy on her and she needs her mommy to be there for her too.

I'm not ok

I'm not ok.  I do a good job pretending though, in fact so good that sometimes I think to myself "Wow! I'm doing ok" but then I realize just how much I am not ok.  It's hard, life goes on around you but being the one that had the loss, it doesn't just go on.

I need to pretend to be ok...for me, for Mike, for Allison, for the rest of my family and friends.  I can't sit in bed and cry all day no matter how much that's all I feel like doing. Pretending isn't a bad thing, it's getting me from day to day.  Maybe one of these days I won't be pretending.

Pink and Purple Skies

Since I originally posted the picture of the sky on Allison's birthday and starting this blog I have gotten so many beautiful messages with pictures of the sky painted pink and purple.  I can't tell you how much it means to me that when people see the beauty they think of our sweet Hannah!

My brother-in-law Brandon sent this to my sister last week and it was shared with me.  It brought a smile to my face picturing it that I needed to share it.

"As I turned onto 55 this morning the entire sky was pink and purple especially around the horizons, It was probably 5 minutes before the exact sunrise time and it looked spectacular, I wish I could have gotten out to take a panoramic picture.  I couldn't help but think that Sweet Angel Hannah was showing your Aunt Cynthia, Aaron, Todd, and everyone else that is watching over the family right now on how to paint the sky, it looked like a tremendous group effort and it was comforting to know that she is not alone up there and that we will see many more painted skies now that she is getting everyone "trained" in."

Please continue sharing your stories with me, any pictures of the sky you capture.  I don't want my Hannah to ever be forgotten and knowing you see Hannah in those beautiful painted skies gives me a great amount of comfort knowing you're remembering my sweet angel.

I Miss You

I miss your sweet smile

I miss your cuddles

I miss your sweet blonde curls

I miss the way you would back up to sit in my lap

I miss the way your whole face lit up when you heard the garage door because you knew Daddy was home

I miss how you would climb up the stool in the bathroom and be oh so proud of yourself

I miss the way you sat on the steps and would kick your little legs

I miss your sweet little wave goodbye

I miss you standing by our legs wanting to be held all the time

I miss your slobbery kisses

I miss how you would reach to open the fridge and try and grab a yogurt

I miss your messy face after eating a nutella sandwich

I miss how you would kick your legs while sleeping and we could hear you all the way downstairs (I swear some nights I still hear it)

I miss your stink eye

I miss how you would snuggle your favorite little blanket and didn't want to go anywhere without it

I miss how your face would light up when I would get you out of your car seat while picking Allison up at school when I said "should we go find your sister?"

I miss how you would take everything out of the cabinets in the bathroom whenever I tried to get ready

I miss how you loved to climb in the dishwasher

I miss your squeals of joy

I miss the way you would run away from Colton and Gage like they had done something to you when they hadn't

I miss how much you loved Wiley, and how you would lay on him, he misses it too

I miss how much you loved your baths and how you would just stand by the bath waiting/wanting to get in, even lifting your leg up trying to get in yourself

I miss the way you signed more, clapping your who hands together

I miss everything about you

I MISS YOU!!!!!

Driving home tonight I was thinking about all the things I was missing about Hannah and through my tears I saw a shooting star, the first one I ever remember seeing!  My sweet Hannah is up in Heaven watching over us, telling me she misses us too!

Peace and Comfort

Heaven gained another angel as we said goodbye to my aunt Cynthia early this morning. My aunt Cynthia (my dad's older sister) fought a courageous fight with ALS this past year but she was ready to say goodbye. She was ready to be reunited with her son Aaron who she tragically lost several years ago in a diving accident.

My aunt was an amazing woman and having lost a child herself, she was giving me an amazing amount of love and support after we lost Hannah. Knowing her time here on earth was coming to an end she sent me an email last night and gave me the greatest gift I could have asked for.

"My dearest Holli,

When your pain is so great and your thoughts black, shut your eyes tight....here's what I want you to see and hear:

(Aaron and his Mama are reunited in great joy!,,). 

We immediately see your sweet Hannah. She has on a long, pink, silky dress and she radiates and glows with the most glorious pink and purple aura. I scoop her up in my arms. She's sooo happy to see us. She knows her Mommy sent us. I wrap her tight in the softest pink blanket and hold her close to my heart. I rock her back and forth.  Back and forth. I whisper in her ears that her Mommy, Daddy, Allison, her Gramma and Grampa...all her family... loves and misses her so much. I whisper that Aaron and Auntie Cee will be by her side, loving her, every single heaven minute. 

So, see, you don't have to worry...I'll love as my own...I promise with all my heart. I loved to sing to children so I will sing, finally again, all the stories about her life as a little earth girl. 

My great love,

Auntie C"

I went to bed last night with a bit of peace knowing that my aunt would be reunited with her son who she had missed so much and that she was going to see my sweet Hannah and give her our love. It was the middle of the night when I awoke from a "dream", it was the beautiful image my aunt had painted for me.  Cynthia and Aaron were together and then went and found my beautiful Hannah, scooped her up and gave her the biggest hug.  They told her how much we missed her and how much we loved her. With peace in my heart I fell back to sleep. 

This morning we spoke with my dad and found out that Cynthia had passed away.  I have to wonder if in my dreams I got a vision of what was happening up in Heaven. I am choosing to believe that I did! My aunt is in Heaven, pain free, happy, reunited with Aaron and they, along with all the other loved ones we have lost, are taking care of my sweet Hannah.  In that, I am finding peace and comfort. 

I love you Aunt Cynthia! Rest in Peace!

One of my favorite pictures of my dad's sisters, Christi, Cynthia, and Lisa.  

How do you survive losing a child?

This past month has been hell, worse than I'd even imagine hell to be quite honestly.  I lost my baby girl.  "How do you survive losing a child?" It's a question I had asked before all this and it's a question I've heard since.  And although I'm "surviving" right now, I still don't quite know how.

I thank God every day for Allison. In such an unbelievably dark time she is such a bright light. She gets me out of bed each morning. She puts smiles on my face each and every day. To know Allison is to love her. She, as my Grandma would say, is enchanting! She is my reason for even wanting to survive this.

Losing a child is something that unfortunately is all too familiar in my family.  My great grandma lost her daughter, my grandma has lost two sons, my aunt lost her son, my mom lost her first daughter Allison (who my Allison is named after) at birth.  One thing I've heard from them, along with some other women I've spoken to who have also lost children, is that I will find joy again, that I will be happy again.

Right now finding joy and being happy are things that don't even seem possible.  I have had some good days since Hannah died but then at the end of the day when I think about it and how good it felt, it turns to guilt. How could I have a good day?  I lost my child!

I'm clinging to the fact that I will find joy again, that I will be happy again.  I was told that first it will come in minutes, then hours, days, weeks, etc. but I will be happy again.  That's what I'm clinging to, and right now that is how I'm surviving losing a child.  

Happy Thanksgiving

As easy as it is this year to forget all that I'm thankful for I need to sit back and realize all that I do have to give thanks for.  I've done some of these on Facebook as well but they deserve to be addressed again!

I'm thankful for Hannah.  She was with us for far too short of a time but she gave me so much love in those short 14 months.  I was blessed during those 14 months to be able to stay home with the girls and spend as much time with Hannah as possible.  I'll cherish those 14 months forever.

I'm thankful for Mike.  He has been so unbelievably strong for me during all of this.  He has been my rock.  I feel like through this incredibly difficult time we've clung to each other and are even closer than before.

I'm thankful for my sweet Allison.  She is my bright light during this dark time.

I'm thankful for my mom and dad who gave Hannah a beautiful funeral so Mike and I didn't have to worry about it.  My sisters also did a huge part in the planning and made the day beautiful for my beautiful girl.

I'm thankful for my mom.  She has stayed with us and done so much for us these past couple weeks.  She has given me so much emotional support, I honestly don't know how I could do this without her.

I'm thankful for Mike's parents.  Although they don't live as close I know they would drop anything and everything to be there for us in a moments notice.  They are wonderful parents and wonderful grandparents!

I'm thankful for my sisters.  They are the reasons I wanted so badly for Allison to have a sister, I know what a blessing sisters are. They have given up so much time with their families to be here for me and mine.  They are my best friends and the best aunties in the whole world!

I'm thankful for my brother-in-laws, Brian and Brandon.  With my sisters being with me so much they have stayed home and taken care of their families so my sisters could take care of me and mine.

I'm thankful for my extended family.  I know how lucky I am to have the family I do.  So many of them have done so much for us and reached out to us.  I am blessed with all the wonderful family we have.

I'm thankful for a wonderful group of friends who I couldn't live without.  It's been hard for me to be around anyone but my family through this but I know my friends are waiting in the wings to be there with me.  I promise, I'll be ready at some point!

I'm thankful for Facebook and all the emotional support it has provided me.  So many people have reached out to me, people I haven't heard from in years, people I've never met.  The kindness of everyone towards me and my family has meant so much.

I'm thankful for a wonderful group of neighbors who kept us fed for the first couple weeks.  They also started a fund so this spring we can plant a tree in memory of Hannah. I hope to get to know them all better, they seem to be an amazing group of people.

I'm thankful for everyone who has donated funds to Hannah's memorial.  With the funds Mike and I are planning on purchasing a memorial bench in Hannah's name to be put in our neighborhood park.  

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving with their family and friends.  Please take some time to give thanks to all the wonderful people and things in your life.