I Can Say Her Name

Since returning from Faith's Lodge I've had a hard time putting into words what our time there meant to us.  Spending the weekend with other parents who have lost their children was an amazing experience.  As sad as we all were that we were there, we were all so fortunate to spend the time together.

In talking with the other parents and sharing our stories, our memories, our fears, one thing stood out to me more than anything else.  We all want to talk about the child we lost, we want other people to talk about the children we lost.  We won't ever forget them but we want to make sure other people won't either.

I realize it may not be easy for people to bring Hannah up to me but I can't express how much it means to me when they do.  I know they don't want to make me sad, but believe me, they aren't making me sad, they're bringing me joy.

I was able to talk about Hannah so much at Faith's Lodge, everyone there understood what it meant to be able to talk about their children and so people asked questions.  In talking about her so much I realized that I can now talk about her without breaking in to tears.  I can talk about Hannah, remember her, share her stories, without always crying....that is HUGE!  What a gift Faith's Lodge has given me in that.  I honestly didn't know if I would ever get to this point and here I am, only 6 months from losing her and I can already do that.

There are still tears, plenty of tears, but there are also smiles.  I think Hannah would rather see the smiles!

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

The afternoon we got home from the hospital without Hannah I went in to her room and wept, it was where I had laid her down to sleep the night before, it was the place she died.  I don't remember much of that afternoon but I remember my family taking me out of her room and we shut the door behind us.

The door to Hannah's room has been shut ever since.  I've been in there a couple of times, but it's never easy.  It isn't something we made a decision to do, the door is shut, we just don't go in. To be honest, we don't even talk about it.  I've been really surprised with Allison's reaction to it, or should I say, her lack of reaction to it.  She has never said anything to me about it, she has never asked me why, or if she could go in, she has never mentioned it.....until today.

I was in the kitchen cleaning and Allison came down and asked if she could go in to Hanner's room.  I wasn't sure how to react at first. I didn't want her to feel bad for asking, and I didn't want to deny her the right to go in if she felt like she wanted to.  We went upstairs together and we went in.

Walking in her room took my breath away.  I had such a mixed bag of emotions from all of the great memories to then of course the awful.  I do feel close to her in there though, it's just so hard.  All of the pictures that we had displayed at Hannah's funeral are in her room so Allison and I sat down and we laughed and cried as we went through each picture and remembered.

After awhile Allison left to go do something else and I climbed in Hanner's crib.  Not a second later I heard "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" playing on Pandora down in the kitchen, a song we played at the funeral. I just know that it was another of the many signs Hannah sent me.

I know my baby girl is in the most amazing place, she sends me signs all the time telling me!

"You're not sad..."

Allison and I were eating dinner last night when she enthusiastically said to me "You're not sad Hannah went to Heaven anymore Mom"!  I was stunned in to silence and I had no idea how to respond, how to even feel.  Of course I was still sad, losing Hannah changed me, left my heart broken. Hannah took a huge piece of me with her.  I won't ever not be sad.  None of that I wanted to say to Allison!

A month or so ago Allison and I were watching TV when a commercial came on about how you can do things for others to changes their lives.  After the commercial was over Allison turned to me and said, "Mom, I am going to change your life, I am going to make you happy again".   Here I thought I was doing a good job pretending for her that I was okay, but she knew better.  My sweet little 4 year old knew how much I was hurting and she wanted to make me better.

As I sat there last night part of me was relieved that Allison thought I wasn't sad any more, maybe then she wouldn't think it was her responsibility to make me happy again.

I think Allison can see that I am doing okay, some days I am even surprised with how okay I am.  I am doing things for me again which feels good.  I started working out a little, I am planning on doing some work again from home.  I'm trying to find my new normal!

Then there are days like today when I can't hold back the tears. I wish we could magically skip over the 20th and 30th of each month.  Hannah's birthday is August 20th and every month on the 20th meant she was a month older.  Now each month on the 20th I dream of what should have been but will never be. The 30th, Hannah died on Oct 30th and now every month on the 30th means it's another month she's been gone, another month since we've held her sweet smiling face.

I'm always going to be sad Hannah is in Heaven and not here with us, always and forever.  I am happy that Allison is starting to see me be okay again though.  I know none of this has been easy on her and she needs her mommy to be there for her too.

I'm not ok

I'm not ok.  I do a good job pretending though, in fact so good that sometimes I think to myself "Wow! I'm doing ok" but then I realize just how much I am not ok.  It's hard, life goes on around you but being the one that had the loss, it doesn't just go on.

I need to pretend to be ok...for me, for Mike, for Allison, for the rest of my family and friends.  I can't sit in bed and cry all day no matter how much that's all I feel like doing. Pretending isn't a bad thing, it's getting me from day to day.  Maybe one of these days I won't be pretending.

Pink and Purple Skies

Since I originally posted the picture of the sky on Allison's birthday and starting this blog I have gotten so many beautiful messages with pictures of the sky painted pink and purple.  I can't tell you how much it means to me that when people see the beauty they think of our sweet Hannah!

My brother-in-law Brandon sent this to my sister last week and it was shared with me.  It brought a smile to my face picturing it that I needed to share it.

"As I turned onto 55 this morning the entire sky was pink and purple especially around the horizons, It was probably 5 minutes before the exact sunrise time and it looked spectacular, I wish I could have gotten out to take a panoramic picture.  I couldn't help but think that Sweet Angel Hannah was showing your Aunt Cynthia, Aaron, Todd, and everyone else that is watching over the family right now on how to paint the sky, it looked like a tremendous group effort and it was comforting to know that she is not alone up there and that we will see many more painted skies now that she is getting everyone "trained" in."

Please continue sharing your stories with me, any pictures of the sky you capture.  I don't want my Hannah to ever be forgotten and knowing you see Hannah in those beautiful painted skies gives me a great amount of comfort knowing you're remembering my sweet angel.

I Miss You

I miss your sweet smile

I miss your cuddles

I miss your sweet blonde curls

I miss the way you would back up to sit in my lap

I miss the way your whole face lit up when you heard the garage door because you knew Daddy was home

I miss how you would climb up the stool in the bathroom and be oh so proud of yourself

I miss the way you sat on the steps and would kick your little legs

I miss your sweet little wave goodbye

I miss you standing by our legs wanting to be held all the time

I miss your slobbery kisses

I miss how you would reach to open the fridge and try and grab a yogurt

I miss your messy face after eating a nutella sandwich

I miss how you would kick your legs while sleeping and we could hear you all the way downstairs (I swear some nights I still hear it)

I miss your stink eye

I miss how you would snuggle your favorite little blanket and didn't want to go anywhere without it

I miss how your face would light up when I would get you out of your car seat while picking Allison up at school when I said "should we go find your sister?"

I miss how you would take everything out of the cabinets in the bathroom whenever I tried to get ready

I miss how you loved to climb in the dishwasher

I miss your squeals of joy

I miss the way you would run away from Colton and Gage like they had done something to you when they hadn't

I miss how much you loved Wiley, and how you would lay on him, he misses it too

I miss how much you loved your baths and how you would just stand by the bath waiting/wanting to get in, even lifting your leg up trying to get in yourself

I miss the way you signed more, clapping your who hands together

I miss everything about you

I MISS YOU!!!!!

Driving home tonight I was thinking about all the things I was missing about Hannah and through my tears I saw a shooting star, the first one I ever remember seeing!  My sweet Hannah is up in Heaven watching over us, telling me she misses us too!

Peace and Comfort

Heaven gained another angel as we said goodbye to my aunt Cynthia early this morning. My aunt Cynthia (my dad's older sister) fought a courageous fight with ALS this past year but she was ready to say goodbye. She was ready to be reunited with her son Aaron who she tragically lost several years ago in a diving accident.

My aunt was an amazing woman and having lost a child herself, she was giving me an amazing amount of love and support after we lost Hannah. Knowing her time here on earth was coming to an end she sent me an email last night and gave me the greatest gift I could have asked for.

"My dearest Holli,

When your pain is so great and your thoughts black, shut your eyes tight....here's what I want you to see and hear:

(Aaron and his Mama are reunited in great joy!,,). 

We immediately see your sweet Hannah. She has on a long, pink, silky dress and she radiates and glows with the most glorious pink and purple aura. I scoop her up in my arms. She's sooo happy to see us. She knows her Mommy sent us. I wrap her tight in the softest pink blanket and hold her close to my heart. I rock her back and forth.  Back and forth. I whisper in her ears that her Mommy, Daddy, Allison, her Gramma and Grampa...all her family... loves and misses her so much. I whisper that Aaron and Auntie Cee will be by her side, loving her, every single heaven minute. 

So, see, you don't have to worry...I'll love as my own...I promise with all my heart. I loved to sing to children so I will sing, finally again, all the stories about her life as a little earth girl. 

My great love,

Auntie C"

I went to bed last night with a bit of peace knowing that my aunt would be reunited with her son who she had missed so much and that she was going to see my sweet Hannah and give her our love. It was the middle of the night when I awoke from a "dream", it was the beautiful image my aunt had painted for me.  Cynthia and Aaron were together and then went and found my beautiful Hannah, scooped her up and gave her the biggest hug.  They told her how much we missed her and how much we loved her. With peace in my heart I fell back to sleep. 

This morning we spoke with my dad and found out that Cynthia had passed away.  I have to wonder if in my dreams I got a vision of what was happening up in Heaven. I am choosing to believe that I did! My aunt is in Heaven, pain free, happy, reunited with Aaron and they, along with all the other loved ones we have lost, are taking care of my sweet Hannah.  In that, I am finding peace and comfort. 

I love you Aunt Cynthia! Rest in Peace!

One of my favorite pictures of my dad's sisters, Christi, Cynthia, and Lisa.